I live in a new city now! It is full of Shawarma places, internationally-recognized department stores, raccoons, fat mayors, Universities, parks, and people! There are a lot of people in this city.
The move has actually been pretty great-- I've been helped along by family and friends who have played host to me, given me directions, filled me with promises of lunch and tourist buses and escapes (if I need them) from "The Big City." I live in a Polish neighborhood with a minimum of one fruit stand per city block. I also live right next to a gigantic park, where just last week I had the most intense flashback to my pre-memory childhood.
It's a happy coincidence that I live just a scant 30 minutes from my first ever home-- you know, the place I came to after the womb and the hospital. Parts of it feel very much like I belong here. But I've been mistaken for a very young person a few times this week; someone who's setting out on her own for the very first time. It's a bit unnerving, and tonight I feel a mixture of excitement and defeat. Like I could make a mixed CD full of songs that only use my name as the title, or finish writing a graphic novel, and also simultaneously huddle into a ball, call home in a whiny voice, and finally drift off to sleep watching bad TV on Netflix.
On the bus today I found myself wishing I had moved here a little earlier. Not because I'm not grateful for the time I got to spend with my friends and family, but because if I had already been here for a few weeks, I would have already made all the superficial adjustments. Not having made them makes me a bit of a bad grad student. I am less confident in myself when I am less confident in my surroundings. I can only play the "new kid" card so many times. It's a piece of brutal honesty that feels like it can only come as I venture home at midnight.
So I live here now. I am by turns excited by and afraid of this place. In the past week alone, I have eaten some amazing meals and local snacks, witnessed a fine sampling of Toronto's talent covering Beatles tunes, purchased tickets to see probably my favourite-at-the-moment musician at a small historic venue, sang Korean Karaoke, reconnected with family, seen art I've only ever read about, been swept off my feet by crowds on streets and subways, played on the best.playground.ever (in the dark), seen doppelgangers and style icons, gotten lost in the expanse of almost-natural park, and plotted my way across space that is (right now) mentally immeasurable. Tomorrow I am going to a Vegetarian Food Festival with new acquaintances, and then off to weave an elaborate adventure courtesy of newly close friends (and a few manuals and player handbooks). There is a lot to look forward to. There is a lot to assert myself for.
